"Free-Range" parenting

Many moons ago I saw part of a Dr. Phil episode on extreme parenting. In it he talked to two different mothers, one with a "free range" approach, and the other a "helicopter" mom. The first let her (I think 9 year old) son take the subway and bus alone, the latter sat outside her daughter's friends house to keep an eye on her. The difference was startling, and my initial reaction was "they're both nuts!".

It made me think though. And I found myself looking for more information. I saw a clip where Dr. Phil talked to the boy who rode the subway. He wanted to do it. He wanted to show he could. And he rode it with his family enough to feel safe. So it made me keep thinking about the concept. And thinking about my own daughter.

My daughter is 15 months. Helicopter parenting is the only way to go, at least in public. She doesn't have a concept of what is safe and what isn't. I'm teaching her not to go into the street, but I don't know that it's going to take. And I know that Lenore Skenazy (the free-range mom) wouldn't fault me keeping a close eye on a toddler. In our own home I've protected against the biggest safety concerns (like a fall down the stairs), and I let my daughter spend a lot of time on her own. Exploring her surroundings. As she learned to walk, I let her fall. And I reassured her that she was okay when she got back up. On cement I try to catch her when she's going head first, so people outside our home are under the impression I never let her fall. It doesn't help that if she's within arms reach I tend to reach out without thought - so I do catch her even if she only stubbles. I let them judge. I'm confident in my decisions regarding my child falling.

When Bubbles gets older, I'm not sure what I'll do. I like the concept of allowing children to do what they are capable of. To let them show maturity and responsibility. When I was in elementary school I was in a very unsafe neighborhood. It was so gang ridden that I had an out of district transfer for school. My parents tried to protect me (and were successful). When I was preparing to go into Junior High we found out I couldn't continue on an out of district transfer, so my parents moved. We wound up in a neighborhood that was really nice. Most of the people had money - they owned their houses, had nice cars, didn't really want for much. My schools were good, people got into ivy league easily with a little work (not me, I was a dance person). It was safe. So I did walk. I walked to and from school - 2 miles, without a care in the world. I looked out for things around me, obeyed the traffic signals, and felt independent. I still called my mom when I got home to let her know I was safe. Then I'd go looking for my brother who liked to wander in the canyons. I started babysitting a 6-month old and 4 year old, alone, at 12. My mom was always a phone call away if I needed her, but I did it myself. I was ready

I like the idea of trust (particularly with teens), until they've shown reason to not be trusted. Then expect more oversight. I don't know how Bubbles will progress, at what age she'll be ready to do what. The idea of sending her alone on a subway gives me a panic attack, but then again, so does the idea of me riding a subway alone. I want her to be strong, independent, and able to trust in her own abilities. I'm just not sure how to get past my own insecurities. And again, kids are all different. I don't know who Bubbles will be at 5, 9 or 13.